Gameday Chef

A Word on Munson

August 28, 2007

This offseason has seen some major changes in my life.  I left college life and Columbus behind and moved to the Georgia coast where I could share my hometown with our beloved Uga.  I’ve retired from the hosting of parties and the orchestration of massive shenanigans and debauchery-Savannah provides all of that for me now.  I am making diligent attempts to be a responsible adult and trying to build my career. 

But, as summer draws to a close I am reminded that there are always certain things that will get me primed up.  Foremost among those is, of course, Georgia Football.  As the showdown with OK State draws closer, my mind turns more and more from work to football.  In fact, in the last week, I have relived the glory days of 1980 and 2002 thanks to modern technology (if the Video Cassette Recorder is still considered modern.  Or Technology).  This has inspired me to add my humble opinion to the Munson watch.

Larry Munson is, without a doubt, the greatest announcer in the history of mankind.  I do not feel that statement is in any way excessive or an exaggeration.  In fact, I feel it is an understatement.  Its truth has provided the bulldog nation with many memorable calls, heartwarming moments, and season after season of glorious games described with his gravelly voice.  It has made it that much greater to be a Georgia Bulldog.  The only problem with having such an incredible announcer is that he will, eventually, have to be replaced.

With this in mind I have come up with what I believe to be the best solution.  First of all, while the details of all of this are being worked out, we should find the most avid adventurers/outdoorsmen in the world and commission them to find the fountain of youth.  Once found, they can bring some of that life giving nectar back to Munson and end this unfortunate discussion in the only satisfactory manner.

While that expedition is being undertaken, the matter of Munson’s successor must be addressed, in case the aforementioned expedition fails.  I believe that Scott Howard is the man for the job.  Raised among heretics (or Georgia Tech fans, whatever you want to call them), his loyalty remained ever with the University of Georgia.  If memory serves me correctly, he attended UGA and studied communications.

Working his way up to Munson’s sidekick, he has done an excellent job handling such duties.  That, after all, is a difficult task.  I believe that credit should be given to him for being able to be the “color announcer” when working alongside the most colorful announcer in sports history.  He never tries to compete with Munson or squeeze into the spotlight.  He performs his role with the necessary humility and allows Munson to be Munson.  I believe it is therefore only fitting that he should be named Munson’s successor, with Buck Belue, of course, being replacing him as the color announcer.

However, if history has taught us anything it is that the person who replaces a legend inevitably becomes a scapegoat.  Ask George Herbert Walker Bush, Ray Goff, Hayden Christenson, Colin Quinn, or even Monica (the girl I dated after Candace and I broke up).  Speaking of Monica’s you could ask Tom Green how it feels to replace a legend.  Granted, the aforementioned examples became scapegoats in large part because they sucked (except for Monica, she refused to suck), but that doesn’t change the fact that a legend’s replacement never lasts long.

I, for one, do not believe that Scott Howard deserves this fate.  He should be the man who comes to the rescue after mediocrity or outright crappiness has occupied the press box for two or three seasons.  First, though, a suitable candidate for providing such mediocrity or crappiness must be found.  A Bulldog legend such as Eric Zier or Buck Belue would be inappropriate as we can’t make scapegoats out of such men.  Dennis Miller comes to mind (I should mention that I think he’s funny, but the opportunity for that joke was too good to pass up), but that would just be an outright insult to the Bulldog Nation.  Ray Goff could be a possibility, but I believe he’s put up with enough criticism from Dawg Fans for one lifetime.  Jim Donnan has broadcast experience now, but he has trouble working with Loran Smith.

All of these men would be excellent scapegoat announcers, but they all lack one important attribute: a willingness to be hired for such a job.  With all of this in mind, I put forth the person I believe would be the perfect candidate: Me. 

I have absolutely no qualifications, experience, or credentials.  I come cheap-I have a BA in history, which makes me pretty well unemployable.  That will make it very easy for the Athletic Department and the Network execs to lowball me into working for dirt cheap.  I’ve been fired from a lot of jobs, so I have experience with that sort of thing.  I can handle criticism with the best of them, especially when I know that it’s part of the deal.

Considering everything that this job would entail, I really consider myself an excellent candidate.  I know a great deal about Georgia Football and the current team already, and if it were my full time job to learn every detail, I could easily do that.  I’m a lifelong dawg fan, I can see the field from the press box, and I understand the nuances of the game necessary to describe the action.  I love to drink.  I’m more of a whiskey or beer man than I am a scotch man, but if I have to drink scotch all day like Munson does, then hell, bring on the MacAllen 12.

As for compensation, like I said, I come cheap.  I would need a reasonable salary, say $30,000 per year.  I believe a two year contract will be necessary to create the demand which Mr. Howard will answer as hero instead of scapegoat.  Of course I’ll need press passes to get into the game, and a reliable form of transportation to get to the games. But if it comes down to it, I can always hitch a ride with Uga.  He has his own Ford Explorer.  I presume that the announcing team already has a prime tailgating spot from which to do the pre-game show, so that’s covered.  I don’t even require lodging-I have buddies in Athens who will let me crash with them.  I’ll also need one season ticket per year to give to my current boss so that I can have my old job back when I inevitably get fired.

As for how to handle the termination of my contract, well, that’s easy enough.  I consider Dr. Adams to be a carpetbagging son of a bitch who needs to take his yankee ass back home, which will provide ample reason for him to fire me whenever the time is right for Scott Howard to come to the rescue.  Not that he really needs an excuse, apparently.   I will always refer to the game as the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.”  As fan outrage mounts, the network can use “falling ratings” and a need to “change format” as reasons for replacing me.  And, if all else fails, I’m sure I will make some boneheaded mistake on the air while under the influence of alcohol during a game such as urging Uga to “bite that Auburn players #%@ off!!”  Ask any of my friends how prone I am to stupidity while drunk and they will confirm that such a mistake is bound to happen. 

After one or two years, dozens of newspaper articles criticizing me and even more columns blasting me, thousands of blog comments, not to mention FCC fines and complaints to the network, I will get fired.  If all goes well I can get Master’s Tuition as part of my severance pay, but I’ll go without if I have to.  I’ll remain a loyal Dawg despite my unfortunate experience while employed as part of the announcing team, and Scott Howard will seem like an awesome announcer after the failed experiment with the Gameday Chef at the mic.

If anyone else thinks this is a good idea, please forward this message to the GBRN executives.  Seriously, I need a job.

I’ll se ya’ll in a couple of weeks, and as always GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All comments, good and bad, can be directed to thegamedaychef@yahoo.com